dingchak.net

Modesty Outraged

The “Reviewing Rediff Reviews” Series; Shaadi Karke Phas Gaya

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 7:50 pm on Friday, August 4, 2006

In which rediff reviews are reviewed.

Review:
Shaadi Karke Phas Gaya

Website: Rediff.com

Favorite quote from review: “Garish colour combinations dominate, hurting the eye.”

Review of Review:

When a rediff reviewer begins the review of a Salman Khan starrer with a meandering quotation from a Richard Bach paperback, you know that somewhere in the bowels of Rediff.com’s decrepit Andheri office, an editor, who has never heard of the phrase casting swines before pearls, is kicking himself senseless, consoling himself that he has learnt a valuable lesson,one that most of us know by now, that Sallu bhaiyya doesnt snap his banian straps for no stinking Bach reading-non fat lassi sipping-fab india kurta clad Burkha Dutt wannabes, hell, no.

The presumptuous title by our cyclopean reviewer (bonus point to the first commenter who gets the reference), “Shilpa and Salman dont arouse interest?” would stun Sallu and Shilpa baby if they were ever to get on to the internet and read Rediff.com, not that they would ever need to get on to the web- they say King Salmon has printed out the entire internet on bond paper (printing on both sides-he does care about the environment you know, thats why he shoots deer, the blasted deer eat the trees that give us the paper), and not that they would ever read (Sal-Bhai has body guards that read for him, and Shilpaben says that she has downloaded all of the internet into her ipod), anyways, they would like to know why this reviewer is accusing them of arousing interest..interest? arousing lust, passion, hate and anger,unwary street-sleepers, doe-eyed deer, each other, they can understand, but what is this interest this reviewer wants them to arouse?

The reviewer goes on further to trample insolently down this foreign terrain, carelessly dropping irrelevant assertions about the absurdity of the plotline, the triteness of the dialogues, and uses her questionable ultra-feminist morality to question Salman Khaaan’s slapping of his career hungry woman, and the logic of his making her stay at home to make babies….What is wrong with you, lady? Just because Sallu-boss’s technique failed with Aishwarya Rai, you think all women are better than Sallu-sir? you doubt sir’s manliness? Our fan-club is already out in the streets, photocopying your fatwa notices. Furthemore, this callous reviewer only alludes to the legendary Shakti Kapoor (Shilpaben’s father) in passing, making no mention of his succesful recent recovery from syphillis, and doesn’t even give him a chance to explain his account of the incident of the extra he is going to grope, tomorrow,- ShaktiJi deserves a better welcome than that, (his reaction on reading the review, a hurt- aaaooooow?), and she even has the audacity to complain about sajid-wajid’s inability to provide foot tapping numbers -an evidently mendacious accusation- given that they have provided exactly the same numbers in 47 movies before, about which this reviewer has never ever complained.

It hurts me to go on, the chasm is too deep, the walls too far apart. The problem, in my opinion, with such ‘reality-based’ reviews is that the gap between the reviewer and Sallu-the king- Khan (the other 2 khans are just posers unworthy of the name), is so large, that the bridge can only be built by the girders of lowered expectations, buttressed by the struts of unwavering trust above a foundation suspended by total disbelief. You enter a cinema, You watch, you genuflect, you whistle, and when you see the things that you long to do, in color on screen, and you know that there is life after 40, and that even if you are bald you can look cool in a cut-banian, and that it is possible to play the guitar and dance, and that the law is for losers, and you know that he is the only one you want to be, and you wink back at him first in approval, and then in gratitude.
But you can’t wink if you have only one eye, maybe that explains your review.

*rimshot*

1 Comment »

15
Get your own gravatar for comments by visiting gravatar.com

Comment by SportSnob

August 5, 2006 @ 12:44 pm

Got here by way of Desi Pundit and the whole Random Name generator. which is absolutely HILARIOUS!

And yes, Cyclops- One eye :) Bonus point for SportSnob!

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.