dingchak.net

Entropy, Controlled

The importance of being Suresh

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 8:26 pm on Thursday, August 10, 2006

As a nation of Software engineers and a generation of Barista sipping BPO baby boomers transition from chilled beer to child bearing , these anxious about-to-be parents are leaving no stone unturned in their quest for that perfect name for their baby – one that is exotic sounding – preferably quasi-mythological and that is still pronounceable in a call center setting, and, one that ensures a unique mail id on yahoo or gmail without appending a large prime number at the end to distinguish it from others, and in their mad search through musty old Amar Chitra kathas and hasty subscriptions to www.cool-desi-babynames.org and www.watchamacallit.com, there is a forgotten casualty that has fallen silently by the wayside, a roadkill deserving of a proper eulogy, before we permanently lay it to rest.

I am referring to the humble ‘Suresh’, or for that matter Ramesh (and to a lesser extent the Ganesh) – names ubiquitous enough a decade ago, now rarely ever considered, or if considered, usually as a prank or as an ill-conceived revenge. As an experiment, look around you. How many young couples do you see deciding between Anya,Ananya,Anikya, Anikanya,Adi,Maya, and suchlike, or for the more adventurous -Kapilavastu, Soorpanaka, Ghatotkacha, and what not have you, ..and look at just how many are named Suresh. None? I thought so.

But this was not always the case. Couples in the 70s evidently thought Suresh or Ramesh was a cool name- we all know quite a few Suresh’s of our generation who are perfectly normal. As in most things in India- the movies played a big part in the naming of babies (unless you were on Kerala, where babies were named after the leader of the communist fad of the day). The Suresh of 70s movies was a ‘nice’ character, a friend of the hero (who was usually Vijay, or Rahul, or if you were tamilian-Alex Pandian- though this name never caught on, for some reason, I wonder why), and in some cases he dies, virtuously. Our conservative parents, in an uncertain, un-ambitious time, never aimed for their children to be heroes, they just wanted their kids to be nice, have nice friends, and be harmless, mostly.

On the other hand, the parents of today’s globalizing, attention grabbing India want their kids to be superstars, Hrithik-sized over-achievers, with names that retain their Indian-ness, that are both eclectic and enunciabile, given this, who can blame our Sureshs’ for being hopelessly outclassed?

But how long can this go on? What happens when these unscrupulous parents exhaust the Mahabharatha, the Ramayana, and the Upanishads. At some point, our exploding population is going to swamp the names in the Hindu Pantheon, and what happens then? Do we reach into the Jataka Tales? No my friends, let this madness stop right here, before we start endlessly exhuming and recycling fringe characters from obscure epics. Imagine having a class with three Jarasandhas- (who would almost defintely go by the nicknames of JP, Mota Jarasandha, and The Other One), as if children didn’t have a tough enough time sorting out the multiple Srirams and the Karthiks at school. Also think of the incongruity of having an exotic first name before a pedestrian last one( though a Natasha Balasubramaniam is probably not as lame as a Vichitraveera Patel), utter confusion. Enough! Will someone please think of the children?

I suggest a back to the basics approach, like the one adopted by the good folks at IIT Kanpur, but with a twist. Let everyone have the same first name, and let the last name be whatever they would have had before -their father’s name/village/caste/tribe etc, saving this trigger happy me2-wannabe generation many thankless hours of mythological excavation. The gods are with me on this one, trust me. Of course, the first name, would have to be, Suresh.

Where is Shabana Azmi now??

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 8:59 pm on Sunday, August 6, 2006

Whenever there is a news event of significance -be it a bomb, an accident, a protest, a bandh, a diplomatic exchange between India-Pak, and so on, in the discussion that follows on the internet, there is inevitably an idiot who chimes in to ask “Where are Shabana Azmi and her coterie of pseudo-secularists now?” Huh?” Huh” Sometimes they ask for Mahesh Bhatt, at other times for MF Hussain, and sometimes they get horny or confused and sheepily ask for Mallika Sherawat throwing the discussion hopelessly off kilter, and the folks at Dingchak feel that this desified Godwin’s law is suitably ubiquitous enough now to merit a name and a meme of its own- and we hereby christen it Shabana’s Law. We leave it to the readers to expand on the meme.

To help simple minded readers and n00b netizens who are unsure whether the above questions posed are strictly rhetorical or not, we have implemented a cute little utility that provides them with an answer to the question “Where is Shabana Azmi now???” – We call it the “Where is Shabana Azmi now???” Tracker.We considered calling it “Shabana? Askme” -but feared the subtlety would be lost on the people using the tracker.

The “Where is Shabana Azmi now???” Tracker [Wordpress/Blogger Plugin and RSS feed to follow soon,Firefox extension if there is enough demand, will be considered], is located on the “cool tools” panel to your right (or just click here), and at any point of time, you can find out what Shabby baby is upto, and whom she doing it with. So track away fundutva-vadis, may this add another barbed bullet to your quiver against Ms. Azmi and her ilk/mulk. [For the readers of ultra-right-blogs like the shady warrior who also writes at Rediff.com, who might tend to go overboard and overload our dingchak.net servers, may I recommend the enhanced plug in-only $29.99/mo-unlimited usage?]
~dingchak team
Notes:

How Dingchak is able to get you this information you ask? Our psychops team has been tracking Shabby with a chip we had implanted in her scalp when she was getting her Haircut for Fire. You no believe? We have photos-

Before-

azmi-topless

Now-

hairy-shabana

psssst…
For examples of Shabana’s law, from a random search on the net that took me 30 seconds, read the comments below the foll. news items-

On screening da-vinci code in India

Modi’s men and their mean machines-

islamic fundamentalism and sex slave trade in iran

CNN-IBN team hounded in AMU

On the recent bombay blasts

BREAKING NEWS!!! Sonia Gandhi’s date with dosa and spilled water

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 2:19 pm on Sunday, August 6, 2006

At newindpress.com
Saturday August 5 2006 16:47 IST

IANS

NEW DELHI: It was Sonia Gandhi’s wish to have a dosa in Parliament’s Central Hall that sent two Congress MPs falling over each other to fetch the snack for the party president from the canteen. And when she accidentally spilled a glass of water, an MP got a chance to prove his loyalty by wiping the wet table.

When Gandhi, who otherwise does not mingle with other MPs too often, obliged to a request from some women MPs to join them for coffee at the Central Hall on Thursday, some Congress MPs as well as journalists there made the best use of the opportunity to chat with her.

Margaret Alva, senior Congress leader, proposed that Gandhi should taste the dosa made at the Parliament’s Railway Canteen. Upon Sonia saying ‘yes’, two Congress MPs – one from Haryana and the other from Tamil Nadu – jumped up with alacrity to fulfil their leader’s wish.

But, the dosa took more than half-an-hour to be made as it was not yet snack time. The media persons, who were chatting with the Congress president, saw the duo pacing restlessly in the hall waiting for the dosa to be served.

When finally the dosa was brought, Sonia had a small bite and put the plate on a table behind her. In the process, she accidentally spilled a glass of water on the table in front of her. She immediately apologised for the mess.

But, this galvanised the Haryana MP into action. He scurried forward with paper napkins and started wiping the water off.

During her wait for the dosa to arrive, Sonia inquired about the state of the facilities for women MPs in Parliament. The women MPs there complained of the pathetic condition of the toilets and the hassles they had to go through during security checks.

Two Left women MPs took the opportunity to press for the pending Women’s Reservation Bill. “But there is no consensus,” said Sonia Gandhi in reply, adding that the situation had improved in the recent days with more consensus for the bill and she was hopeful it would come up soon.

But, Gandhi was very firm with journalists. “No recording, no note taking,” she told them at least half-a-dozen times.

“No political questions too,” she said. When a media person tried to raise a political question she stood up and said sternly, “If that is the case, then I am going.”

The “Reviewing Rediff Reviews” Series; Shaadi Karke Phas Gaya

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 7:50 pm on Friday, August 4, 2006

In which rediff reviews are reviewed.

Review:
Shaadi Karke Phas Gaya

Website: Rediff.com

Favorite quote from review: “Garish colour combinations dominate, hurting the eye.”

Review of Review:

When a rediff reviewer begins the review of a Salman Khan starrer with a meandering quotation from a Richard Bach paperback, you know that somewhere in the bowels of Rediff.com’s decrepit Andheri office, an editor, who has never heard of the phrase casting swines before pearls, is kicking himself senseless, consoling himself that he has learnt a valuable lesson,one that most of us know by now, that Sallu bhaiyya doesnt snap his banian straps for no stinking Bach reading-non fat lassi sipping-fab india kurta clad Burkha Dutt wannabes, hell, no.

The presumptuous title by our cyclopean reviewer (bonus point to the first commenter who gets the reference), “Shilpa and Salman dont arouse interest?” would stun Sallu and Shilpa baby if they were ever to get on to the internet and read Rediff.com, not that they would ever need to get on to the web- they say King Salmon has printed out the entire internet on bond paper (printing on both sides-he does care about the environment you know, thats why he shoots deer, the blasted deer eat the trees that give us the paper), and not that they would ever read (Sal-Bhai has body guards that read for him, and Shilpaben says that she has downloaded all of the internet into her ipod), anyways, they would like to know why this reviewer is accusing them of arousing interest..interest? arousing lust, passion, hate and anger,unwary street-sleepers, doe-eyed deer, each other, they can understand, but what is this interest this reviewer wants them to arouse?

The reviewer goes on further to trample insolently down this foreign terrain, carelessly dropping irrelevant assertions about the absurdity of the plotline, the triteness of the dialogues, and uses her questionable ultra-feminist morality to question Salman Khaaan’s slapping of his career hungry woman, and the logic of his making her stay at home to make babies….What is wrong with you, lady? Just because Sallu-boss’s technique failed with Aishwarya Rai, you think all women are better than Sallu-sir? you doubt sir’s manliness? Our fan-club is already out in the streets, photocopying your fatwa notices. Furthemore, this callous reviewer only alludes to the legendary Shakti Kapoor (Shilpaben’s father) in passing, making no mention of his succesful recent recovery from syphillis, and doesn’t even give him a chance to explain his account of the incident of the extra he is going to grope, tomorrow,- ShaktiJi deserves a better welcome than that, (his reaction on reading the review, a hurt- aaaooooow?), and she even has the audacity to complain about sajid-wajid’s inability to provide foot tapping numbers -an evidently mendacious accusation- given that they have provided exactly the same numbers in 47 movies before, about which this reviewer has never ever complained.

It hurts me to go on, the chasm is too deep, the walls too far apart. The problem, in my opinion, with such ‘reality-based’ reviews is that the gap between the reviewer and Sallu-the king- Khan (the other 2 khans are just posers unworthy of the name), is so large, that the bridge can only be built by the girders of lowered expectations, buttressed by the struts of unwavering trust above a foundation suspended by total disbelief. You enter a cinema, You watch, you genuflect, you whistle, and when you see the things that you long to do, in color on screen, and you know that there is life after 40, and that even if you are bald you can look cool in a cut-banian, and that it is possible to play the guitar and dance, and that the law is for losers, and you know that he is the only one you want to be, and you wink back at him first in approval, and then in gratitude.
But you can’t wink if you have only one eye, maybe that explains your review.

*rimshot*

The Soviet Dingchak!

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 2:22 am on Friday, August 4, 2006

The desi dingchak has competition!
A group of renegade cossacks have launched a counterstrike to usurp the mantle of the uber-dingchak, a russian threat to our very own desi-dingchak? you better believe it, this gang of multi-colored jigna interlopers in reflective clothing, abetted by a wily vulcan in a shiny blue satin suit (you have to check out the video), have launched their own blog called Dschingis Khan. I kid not.

Here is their intro video-
Dingchak in the USSR!

Again, I kid, not.

Random Desi Blog Title Generator

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 8:16 pm on Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Since every third desi blog title is either a “confused writings of.. “, a “random scribblings from..”, a “mad thoughts of.. ” or a permutation of other such similar apologist disclaimers, aimed towards pre-empting readers from commenting on how shallow and lame the posts really are, to save time, Dingchak.net has a cool new utility that will generate these titles for you [wordpress/blogger plugin to follow soon], automatically, freeing writers to think up those pearls of wisdom, those nuggets of truth, for which us netizens eagerly await, with baited breath.

Here it is.

The Random Desi Blog Title Generator.

Changes afoot at Shaadi.com?

Filed under: Uncategorized — dingchak at 3:16 pm on Tuesday, August 1, 2006

The grapevine whispers that Shaadi.com -the hugely succesful matrimonials website is beta-testing a couple of new fields on its search form- to make it easier for telugu bachelors to find their brides. Dingchak has obtained a scanned homepage screenshot of this new search form-
(click thumbnail for https://beta.gult.saadi.com/search.html)

sadi.com/telugu- beta test

hmmm…..?